The Illusion of Hearing

We often believe we are listening; however, we may merely be hearing a person’s voice. Hearing is a passive process, like hearing a car horn outside our window. Hearing the sound of the car horn requires no effort.

On the other hand, listening is an active, intentional act involving full attention, empathy, and a genuine desire to understand another person.

“Listening is not the act of hearing the words, it is the art of understanding the meaning behind those words.” - Simon Sinek

The Benefits of Active Listening

Active listening can significantly enhance our relationships in several ways:

Improve Our Communication

When we truly listen, we can reduce misunderstandings and foster open dialogue.

Strengthen Bonds

Active listening can create a sense of connection and intimacy, improving how we relate to others.

Increase Empathy

Understanding another person's perspective can help us develop empathy and compassion for others.

Reduce Conflict

Active listening can help resolve conflicts peacefully. When we actively listen, we can focus on the other person, let down our defenses, and respond in a way that demonstrates we are listening. This can reduce misunderstandings and promote mutual understanding.

Personal Growth

Listening to others versus just hearing can broaden our horizons and help us learn and grow. By actively listening, we can pay attention to the stories and experiences of others and apply those to our growth and development.

Common Listening Barriers and How to Overcome Them

Several factors can hinder our ability to listen actively:

Distractions

Phones, noise, and our thoughts can divert our attention. To overcome this, find a quiet environment, put away distractions, and practice presence: mindfully paying attention to the words you hear from another, not the voice in your head or the sounds around you.

Assumptions

We often make assumptions about what the other person is saying or feeling. Find space to pause and consider that you may be misunderstanding. If you feel confused, this is the opportunity to inquire further. Rather than assuming, practice challenging your assumptions and ask clarifying questions.

Judgments

Prejudgments can cloud our perception. Listening without judgment is extremely hard for many. Practice putting away the voice in your head that criticizes or assumes—approaching each conversation with an open mind means acknowledging or accepting differences.

Defenses

When we feel attacked or criticized, we may become defensive. Take a deep breath, pause, and try to understand the other person's perspective.

Asking clarifying questions can uncover more information from the other person, and more information may reveal a misunderstanding. Pausing also allows time for us to respond calmly rather than reactively.

Interruptions

Interrupting someone while they are talking shows a lack of respect and can make the other person feel unheard.

Practice patience and wait for the other person to finish speaking before responding. While the person is talking, try not to think about your response. Think instead about the words they are saying.

Active Listening Techniques

To improve your listening skills, try to learn and practice these techniques:

Paraphrase

When the other person is done talking, ask if they have anything else to add or if they are done speaking. Then, restate what the other person has said in your own words to ensure understanding.

Using feelings and emotions to show the other person you care is encouraged.

Reflect Feelings

When the other person is done sharing, this is an opportunity to acknowledge and validate the other person's emotions.

The goal is to help the other person feel heard, seen and understood.

Asking Open-Ended Questions

When the other person is done sharing, you can encourage the other person to share more details by asking open-ended questions.

Simon Sinek refers to this space of allowing the other person to speak as “emptying the bucket.”

Avoid Giving Advice

Unless explicitly asked, avoid giving unsolicited advice. Instead, focus on understanding and supporting the other person.

Body Language

Use nonverbal cues like eye contact, nodding, and leaning in to show you are engaged and attentive.

The Role of Empathy in Active Listening

Empathy is a cornerstone of active listening. It involves understanding and sharing the other person's experience, perspective, and feelings.

When we empathize, we create a safe and supportive environment where the other person feels heard and valued.

Cultivating a Listening Culture

Active listening is not just a skill; it's a mindset. By taking the lead in your relationship to actively listen, you are demonstrating a type of behavior that the other person may be able to model. To foster a listening culture in your relationships, consider these practices:

Regular Check-Ins

Schedule time for open and honest conversations with your loved ones. This may be at the end of the day, while making or eating dinner, before bed, or on the weekends. Try avoiding times that are typically hectic, like weekday mornings.

Practice Active Listening Daily

Make a conscious effort to listen actively in all your interactions, from casual conversations with your car mechanic to serious discussions at work with colleagues or on walks with friends.

Active listening requires mindfulness, and being mindful in conversation demonstrates we care. This can leave the other person feeling appreciated.

Seek Feedback

Ask your loved ones for feedback on your listening skills. This practice requires that we be open to constructive criticism.

If we respond defensively or put down what the other person is saying with words such as, “That’s not true,” we invalidate what the other person is sharing.

As a result, we may reduce their confidence in providing feedback in the future.

Attend Workshops or Counseling

Consider seeking professional guidance to improve your listening skills and communication in relationships. Relationship professionals are typically equipped with tools, knowledge, and experience.

These professionals can help you sort through your feelings and experiences and help you stay on a path toward active listening, personal growth, and relationship development.

Get Support & Learn Active Listening

The Maine Relationship Institute (MRI) is dedicated to helping individuals and couples cultivate connection through active listening and other growth skills.

MRI founder and therapist Ben Borkan brings various tools to each session to help clients improve their listening skills, foster empathy, and resolve conflicts more effectively. Each individual therapy and couples counseling session provides personalized support tailored to your needs.

MRI also offers free consultations for new patients. This free consultation allows you to learn more about MRI services and determine if our work is the right fit for you.

Disclaimer

The information provided in this content is for educational and informational purposes only and should not be considered as professional therapeutic advice. The thoughts and views expressed here are not intended to diagnose or treat any mental health conditions. If you are experiencing mental health issues, please seek guidance from a qualified mental health professional in your area. This content is not intended to be a substitute for professional therapy or counseling services. No professional relationship is created through your use of this website. Please consult with a licensed therapist or mental health provider for personalized treatment and guidance.

How to Cultivate Deeper Connections with the Power of Active Listening versus Hearing