In a flooded state, the ability to reason, empathize, and respond thoughtfully vanishes.

Conflict is unavoidable. Whether you’re navigating an intricate dance in marriage in Lincolnville, Maine, or working to maintain a close, fulfilling connection with a partner or a cherished friend, moments of tension will arise.

For thoughtful, attentive individuals who wish to be informed and aware, you may appreciate that the quality of your relationship is not determined by the absence of conflict, but by how you choose to show up in it.

At The Maine Relationship Institute, founder and lead therapist Ben Borkan believes that one path to true relational growth lies in courageous self-awareness. However, and often, one of the greatest challenges and most profound opportunities in any argument is not to fix your partner.

But rather to resist the magnetic pull of impulsive reactivity, and mentally pause to step into your body.

The Cost of Reaction: When Impulse Takes the Wheel

When a partner says something that feels critical, dismissive, or unfair, the body often and immediately goes into a state of "fight, flight, or freeze."

This powerful, primal response, known in therapy as flooding, involves a cascade of stress hormones that hijack your cognitive abilities.

In this flooded state, the ability to reason, empathize, and respond thoughtfully vanishes.

We default to reactionary behavior:

Escalating the argument,
Shutting down completely, or
Lashing out defensively.

While these impulsive reactions are designed to protect you from immediate emotional pain, they inflict greater, long-term damage on the relationship.

Reacting defensively reinforces

Negative cycles,
Builds resentment,
And communicates to your partner that resolution is secondary to self-protection.

Over time, giving in to these impulses does more than simply hurt feelings; it erodes the fundamental safety of your intimate bond.

The Neuroscience of Conflict: What Happens in Your Brain When Flooding Takes Over

When conflict escalates and you feel that overwhelming urge to flee, fight, or freeze—an experience often termed flooding—this triggers a highly predictable, ancient neurological process.

This experience isn't a failure of will; it's a primal survival mechanism overriding your modern brain.

The Amygdala's Alarm and the Stress Cascade

The core of the reaction begins in the limbic system, specifically the amygdala.

What's Firing and Where

The amygdala, often called the brain's "smoke detector," is a small, almond-shaped structure deep in the brain that processes fear and threat.

When your partner's words or tone are perceived as a threat (to your safety, status, or connection), the amygdala sends a massive alert.

The Chemical Release

This alert triggers the release of potent stress hormones, primarily cortisol and adrenaline (epinephrine), from the adrenal glands.

This is the activation of the body’s Sympathetic Nervous System (SNS)—the "fight-or-flight" response.

Affect on Response

Adrenaline spikes your heart rate and blood pressure, preparing your muscles for action, while cortisol mobilizes energy. Crucially, the activation is so intense that blood flow is shunted away from the prefrontal cortex (PFC), the part of the brain responsible for executive functions such as rational thought, empathy, complex problem-solving, and emotional regulation.

When the PFC goes "offline," your capacity for thoughtful response is severely diminished, promoting the automatic, lightning-fast, and usually regrettable reactive response mechanism.

You simply lose access to the nuanced skills you know you possess.

In short, flooding triggers a low-road emotional response, in which you react immediately and instinctively, bypassing the high road of rational, considered thought.

The Courageous Pause: Stepping into the Body to Resist Reaction

To break free from this destructive loop, it takes tremendous courage to resist your initial impulses. This courage lies in the willingness to be vulnerable with your internal experience and create a conscious pause between stimulus and response.

This is Where the Practice of Embodied Relating Begins

Instead of immediately formulating a defense or an attack, your first response can be to turn your attention inward.

You are not checking for what to say next, but how you are being held by the moment.

Before you respond, check in with these crucial questions:

Can I feel my feet on the ground? This simple question is the ultimate grounding tool. By focusing on the literal sensation of your feet, you interrupt the emotional surge and anchor yourself in the present moment, rather than being carried away by past wounds or future fears.
Is my heart steady? Am I breathing rapidly? Checking your physiological state provides objective data. A racing heart and shallow breath signal flooding. Recognizing this allows you to acknowledge, "My body is reacting to danger," which is separate from the reality of the conversation.
What sort of impact do I want my partner to feel? This shifts you from a place of self-defense to one of intentionality. Do you want them to feel attacked, or do you want them to feel heard, understood, or respected? Choosing the desired impact guides you toward a constructive response, even if you are expressing frustration.

Resisting the urge to react opens a vulnerable space, but it also creates room for connection.

Instead of defensively counter-attacking, you can approach the conversation with curiosity:

Why is my partner being defensive? What is happening that they are reacting to? This profound shift changes the entire tenor of the discussion.

Emotional Regulation: You can observe your anger or fear without being consumed by it.

The Neuroscience of Courage: Conscious Centering and Grounding

The courageous act of stepping into your body, being mindful, and centering yourself during conflict isn't just a mental trick.

It’s a powerful neurological intervention that actively rewires the brain toward connection. This is the process of moving your system out of an SNS (sympathetic nervous system) activation and into the safety of the Parasympathetic Nervous System (PNS).

Activating the Vagus Nerve and Restoring the Prefrontal Cortex

The key to non-flooding is in activating the PNS, often called the "rest and digest" system, which is largely mediated by the vagus nerve.

What's Firing and Where
Conscious grounding techniques, such as the focused breathing used in meditation, actively stimulate the vagus nerve.
This nerve is a primary communication line between the brainstem and the internal organs (heart, lungs, digestive tract).
Stimulation of the vagus nerve triggers a cascade of calming effects, often referred to as vagal braking. When you focus on your feet or slow your breathing, you're essentially sending a "false alarm canceled" signal to the amygdala.

The Chemical Release
Activating the PNS leads to a release of calming neurotransmitters, most notably GABA (Gamma-Aminobutyric Acid), the body's primary inhibitory neurotransmitter, which helps to quiet the excitability in the brain.
Over time and with practice, this shift also promotes the release of oxytocin, a neuropeptide associated with bonding and attachment.
Affect on Response
The most significant shift is the restoration of blood flow back to the prefrontal cortex (PFC).
When the amygdala quiets down, the PFC can come back online. This is the difference between an animalistic reaction and a truly human response. With the PFC fully engaged, you regain your capacity for:
- Emotional Regulation
  You can observe your anger or fear without being consumed by it.
- Cognitive Flexibility
  You can consider your partner's perspective ("Why are they being defensive?").
- Intentional Communication
  You can formulate a response aligned with your desired impact, allowing you to be open rather than closed off.

By practicing centering and grounding (in nature or at home), you are intentionally building a stronger, more flexible connection between your body and your rational mind, equipping you to move from impulse-driven reaction to conscious, courageous relating.

This is the pathway to sustained intimacy and growth.

Reduce Flooding. Tools for Grounding: Nature, Mindfulness, and Meditation

The critical, yet difficult, task of stepping into the body requires tools and practice. For those of us living in the Lincolnville area of Midcoast Maine, the natural environment offers an unparalleled anchor.

Nature’s Gentle Anchor in Lincolnville, Maine

For individuals in the Lincolnville, Maine area, the natural world provides a built-in therapeutic tool.

A brief walk on the shore of Norton Pond, a moment to feel the wind coming off Penobscot Bay, or a short hike in nearby Camden Hills State Park can be immensely grounding.

The deliberate act of placing your attention on the non-reactive world, such as the steadfast forest floor, the steady rhythm of the waves, serves as a physiological reminder that your current emotional storm is temporary.

Use the natural environment as a practice space:

Step outside.
Take three deep breaths.
And practice consciously feeling the earth beneath your feet.

Practical Steps for Meditation and Mindfulness

In addition to nature, mindfulness and meditation are powerful practices that help you build the muscle of the "courageous pause" to reduce flooding:

Mindfulness Practice | Building Present Awareness

Mindfulness is the practice of paying attention to the present moment without judgment.

To practice, choose a repetitive sensory experience, such as the sound of rain, the texture of a blanket, or the sensation of breath entering and leaving your body.

When your mind inevitably wanders (especially to the argument!), gently notice the thought and return your attention to the chosen anchor.

Even 60 seconds of this practice can lower your physiological flood.

Meditation Practice | Building Resilience
- Try Box Breathing (or Four-Square Breathing)
  - Inhale slowly to a count of four
  - Hold for a count of four
  - Exhale slowly to a count of four
  - Pause for a count of four before the next inhale.

This structured, slow breathing directly signals safety to your nervous system, calming your racing heart and preparing your body to respond consciously.

Create Your Foundation of Body-Centered Relating

The efficacy of moving from impulsive reaction to embodied, conscious relating is validated across several leading therapeutic frameworks, which stress that relationship growth is a full-body experience.

1. Psychobiological Approach to Couples Therapy (PACT)

Developed by Dr. Stan Tatkin, PACT is an approach that aligns closely with the principle of body awareness.

It emphasizes understanding the neurobiology of arousal regulation (flooding).

PACT therapists focus on helping couples recognize

Subtle shifts in posture
Facial expressions
And tone of voice

All the above are nonverbal cues that signal whether a partner feels secure or threatened. This focus on attunement requires partners to be deeply embodied, reading not just their own state, but also their partner’s.

2. Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT)

Created by Dr. Sue Johnson, EFT focuses on secure attachment and identifying negative cycles.

In EFT, partners are encouraged to pause their destructive interactions and access the deeper, vulnerable emotions (fears, needs) that drive their reactive behaviors.

This requires a conscious stepping away from the surface conflict and into the internal emotional experience, which is always felt in the body.

3. Imago Relationship Therapy

Doctors Harville Hendrix and Helen LaKelly Hunt's Imago model uses a structured dialogue process that forces partners to slow down and listen without reacting.

The Imago Dialogue emphasizes mirroring and validation—practices that are impossible to execute when one is flooded or reactive.

By creating this structured pause, the therapy helps couples move from unconscious reaction to conscious partnership.

Argue Differently, Get Support

Courageous relating is not about fighting "better"; it is about fighting differently. It is a process of choosing openness and presence over defensiveness and impulsive reactivity.

This choice allows you to transform moments of conflict from points of trauma into opportunities for profound intimacy and connection.

If you are a knowledge-seeking individual ready to explore this deeper on a more embodied path to love, we encourage you to seek support.

Ben Borkan and the team at The Maine Relationship Institute specialize in couples counseling, marriage counseling, and individual therapy, providing the specific, constructive tools needed to build, maintain, and grow your most important relationships.

Schedule your confidential, complimentary consultation today.

We look forward to working with you.

What Happens in Your Brain During Reactive Conflict and What to Do About It: Conscious Relating in Lincolnville, Maine