Bridging the Desire Gap: A Guide for Maine Couples
In a relationship, couples often struggle with the dynamic of different levels of sexual desire. This scenario is common among couples, even in Maine, and you may experience that this intimate challenge strains multiple aspects of your relationship.
The following outlines some dynamics between what can be referred to as higher-desire partners (HDPs) and lower-desire partners (LDPs), offering insight into how to potentially create and maintain a satisfying and connected sex life even when partners do not desire the same levels of sexual interest.
Understanding Desire Discrepancies
To begin, it’s important to acknowledge that differing sexual desires in a relationship are normal. In fact, Dr. David Schnarch, an American couples, sex and trauma therapist, clinical psychologist, and urologist, writes in his book Intimacy & Desire, “There is always a lower desire partner, just as there is always a higher desire partner - and there is one of each in every relationship…
Positions shift on different issues. You may be HDP for sex, but your partner could be HDP for intimacy. You may be the HDP for sex or intimacy and the LDP for having a baby or being monogamous.”
Factors like stress, hormonal changes, or medical conditions can influence anyone’s libido, and desire differences don't necessarily equate to a lack of love or attraction.
The Higher-Desire Partner's (HDP) Perspective
HDPs can often feel rejected or insecure when their desire for sex isn't matched.
Here's a few things HDPs can do to:
Manage Expectations Recognize that sex won't always happen exactly when you want. Practice coping with disappointment in healthy ways.
Open Communication Talk to your partner honestly about your needs, but avoid pressuring them or making them feel guilty.
Focus on Self-Care Invest in activities that boost your self-esteem and lower stress levels.
Accept The LDP partner does dictate when sexual interactions will take place; however, how this is accepted and handled is the responsibility of both partners in the relationship.
The Lower Desire Partner's (LDP) Perspective
LDPs might feel pressure to have sex even when they don’t have the interest. The LDP may not intend to wield control over the sexual activities of the relationship and may feel a deep discomfort in this role over which they may feel they have little control.
Here's some guidance for LDPs:
Acknowledge Your Partner's Needs Understand your partner’s desires and try to meet them halfway, even if your interest level is lower. Acknowledgment helps your partner feel seen and heard.
Explore Your Own Arousal Consider what might spark your own desire independent of someone else “being responsible for turning you on” (think about types of settings, activities, and different forms of intimacy). Find ways to communicate your discoveries to your partner.
Accept You Have Control Recognize that you’re in the driver's seat. Accepting this also comes with the responsibility of not leveraging this role. Work to remain empathetic, aware, and conscientious of your partner and their sexual needs and feelings.
Initiate Sometimes Occasionally, taking the lead can ease pressure on your partner and may create positive experiences for you both.
Shared Responsibility
Prioritize Intimacy Schedule time for non-sexual intimacy like cuddling, affectionate touch, and meaningful conversations.
Be receptive to spontaneity Spontaneous sexual endeavors can give rise to eroticism, passion, and adventure. All of which may fuel desire for the next intimate experience.
Seek outside support If needed, consider couples therapy from a sex-positive therapist in Maine. They can offer a safe space to address your specific dynamic.
Be less defensive and more curious -. Curiosity opens us up to new experiences and allows for relaxation and enjoyment. Bringing defensiveness invites tension that can lead to distance and dissatisfaction.
According to Intimacy & Desire, “How you feel about your partner, yourself, and your relationship is critical to robust desire. Enhancing desire requires more than breaking sexual routines. It involves intimacy, passion, eroticism, respecting yourself and liking your partner - and being mature enough to be more capable of all these things.”
Sexual desire and the intricate dance between partners to achieve a satisfying sex life is a part of every human intimate and romantic relationship. As Dr. Schnarch writes, “The ebb and flow of sexual desire is human nature at its best and worst. What you’ll discover about sexual desire problems coincides with the growing science of resilience and positive psychology.
[Sexual desire problems] can develop your capacity to cope with stress and catastrophe, your emotional resilience, and your resourcefulness. You can use them to make life more fulfilling and enable you to thrive.”
Contact The Maine Relationship Institute
Contact us or schedule an appointment if you’re looking for relationship advice in Maine. MRI was founded on a drive to assist individuals and couples as they strive to improve their relationships.
In therapy sessions, we support clients by helping them identify issues that affect intimacy and connection.
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