Infidelity can be devastating for a relationship. Trust is often shattered, and the betrayal can leave emotional scars. The act of cheating - for the unfaithful individual and the betrayed - can be a complex issue with no single cause.

According to a 2017 study in the American Association For Marriage & Family Therapy (AAMFT), approximately 20-40% of married people in the United States will experience some form of infidelity during their marriage.

AAMFT also notes that in our current era of social media and technology, a new form of infidelity has emerged: often referred to as the emotional affair. The emotional affair often includes people who never intended to be unfaithful. Rather, individuals are “unwittingly crossing the line from platonic friendships into romantic relationships, particularly in the workplace and on the Internet.”

The content here aims to provide a starting point for understanding and navigating the aftermath of infidelity, offering a path toward repair.

Understanding the Why Behind Betrayal

The reasons for infidelity can be as varied as the relationship. Understanding the motivations can be a critical step in the healing process for both the person who was unfaithful and the person who was cheated on. It is important to note that excuses are not replace understanding ‘why.’

Some Common Causes of Infidelity

Dissatisfaction in the Relationship: A lack of emotional or physical intimacy, chronic conflict, or a feeling of being emotionally neglected can create a vulnerability to seeking fulfillment outside the relationship.
Sexual Boredom: A healthy sex life is important, though it's not the sole pillar of a relationship. If communication is lacking or needs are unmet, this may lead someone to seek sexual gratification elsewhere.
Opportunity Makes the Thief: Increased time spent away from a partner, work-related interactions that blur professional and personal boundaries, or living situations that offer easy opportunities for infidelity can play a role.
Unmet Emotional Needs: Feeling unseen, unheard, or emotionally disconnected can lead someone to seek validation and connection elsewhere.
Underlying Issues: Sometimes, infidelity can be a symptom of deeper problems within the individual, such as unresolved childhood trauma, low self-esteem, or a history of unhealthy attachments. These issues may be addressed by therapy.

The Emotional Landscape of Infidelity

Both the person who was unloyal and the person who was betrayed may experience a range of complex emotions.

The perpetrator may grapple with guilt, shame, fear of losing the relationship, or even a sense of entitlement.

The betrayed partner may feel a sense of betrayal, anger, sadness, confusion, and even self-blame. Understanding these emotions allows for more compassionate communication and navigating the path toward healing.

Can You Rebuild Trust After Infidelity?

The answer is yes, but it typically requires significant work and commitment from both partners. Here are some steps you can take to overcome infidelity:

Couples Therapy: Couples therapy provides a safe space for both partners to express their feelings and needs. A therapist can guide communication, facilitate difficult conversations, and foster accountability.
Focus on Forgiveness, Not Forgetfulness: Forgiveness is a journey, not a destination. It doesn't mean condoning the infidelity but rather letting go of resentment and creating space for healing.
Rebuild Trust Through Actions: Rebuilding trust takes time, and actions speak louder than words. The perpetrator should be willing to go the extra mile to demonstrate their commitment and respect for the relationship.
Focus on Shared Goals and Intimacy: Rekindle the reasons you fell in love. Prioritize communication, spend quality time together, and actively work on rebuilding emotional and physical intimacy.

Additional Resources

This content can only offer a starting point for navigating the complex aftermath of infidelity.

The Maine Relationship Institute, located in Belfast, Maine, offers in-person and online appointments. MRI can provide qualified and compassionate professional support to couples struggling with infidelity.

MRI’s founder and lead therapist, Ben Borkan, offers individual therapy and couples counseling to rebuild trust and heal emotional wounds.

Navigating the Therapy Process Together & Healing

Once the decision to seek couples therapy has been made, the process can be a powerful tool for healing and rebuilding trust.

Here's a general overview of what to expect in couples therapy:

Initial Assessment: The first step involves a thorough assessment of the relationship. The therapist wants to understand the history of the relationship, the circumstances surrounding the infidelity, and the emotional impact on both partners. This assessment will help the therapist identify the core issues and tailor the therapy approach accordingly.
Building Trust and Safety: One of the primary challenges after infidelity is rebuilding trust. The therapist will aim to create a safe and non-judgmental space for both partners to express their feelings openly and honestly. This involves active listening, empathy, and validation. The goal is to foster a sense of trust and safety within the therapeutic setting, which can then be translated into the relationship.
Addressing the Infidelity: The therapist will guide the couple through a process of discussing the infidelity in a constructive manner. This may involve exploring the reasons behind the affair, addressing any underlying issues, and understanding the impact on the betrayed partner. The goal is to gain clarity and move forward without dwelling on the past.
Identifying Patterns and Communication Styles: The therapist will help the couple identify any recurring patterns of behavior or communication styles that may have contributed to the infidelity. This may include addressing issues such as conflict resolution, emotional intimacy, or boundary setting. By understanding these patterns, the couple can work on developing healthier ways of interacting.
Setting Boundaries and Expectations: Establishing clear boundaries and expectations is crucial for rebuilding trust. The therapist can help the couple develop a shared understanding of what is acceptable and unacceptable behavior moving forward. This may involve setting limits on communication with the affair partner, being transparent about activities, or creating a plan for rebuilding intimacy.
Rebuilding Intimacy: Rebuilding intimacy is a gradual process that requires patience and understanding. The therapist can provide guidance on how to reconnect emotionally and physically. This may involve exercises to improve communication, date nights, and gradually re-establishing physical intimacy.
Long-Term Commitment: Healing from infidelity is a long-term process. The therapist can help the couple develop a plan for maintaining their relationship and addressing any future challenges.

This may involve ongoing therapy, regular check-ins, or practicing mindfulness techniques.

It's important to note that each couple's therapy process is unique. The length and intensity of therapy may vary depending on the severity of the infidelity and the willingness of both partners to engage in the process.

However, with consistent effort and a commitment to healing, couples can overcome infidelity and rebuild a stronger, more resilient relationship.

Contact a Therapist

Contact Ben Borkan at The Maine Relationship Institute if you and your partner have experienced infidelity in your relationship and are interested in healing. MRI also offers individual counseling. Schedule a free consultation to learn what is best for you.

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Regaining Trust After Infidelity: A Path Towards Healing