Healing From an Affair as a Couple in Maine: Steps for Rebuilding Trust and Intimacy
"One person has an affair, but two people are responsible for the creation and the continuation of their relationship" - Esther Perel.
For couples in Maine, an affair can be a devastating blow to the relationship. The betrayal, lies, and frayed trust are often debilitating. Renowned psychotherapist and author Esther Perel has spent decades counseling couples recovering from infidelity. Her book, The State of Affairs, stresses that the road to healing is complex, requiring "a remodeling of the relationship itself."
If you’re in a relationship that has experienced infidelity and remain, as a couple, committed to recovering from this experience, the below suggested steps can be a starting point for a renewed path.
If you find this content helpful and seek additional tools, The Maine Relationship Institute may be able to assist with a more in-depth exploration of your healing journey. Please contact us to explore couples counseling.
Partner Who Had The Affair - Steps to Begin the Healing
1 .Take Responsibility
The partner who had the affair must acknowledge the wrongdoing. Taking full accountability and expressing genuine remorse without blaming the betrayed partner or the state of the relationship, whatever that may be, is essential. Doing so communicates to the wronged partner that you care about your partner and the relationship and that they and the relationship matter. Perel writes, "Trauma begins to heal when we acknowledge the wrongdoing.”
2. Hold Vigil
The partner who had the affair must bear the weight of its aftermath. That is to say, the person who executed the act of infidelity must be the one to hold the responsibility of opening discussion about the affair. This might be awkward or uncomfortable, but taking this initiative frees the other person in the relationship of this responsibility, granting that person space and focus for healing.
3. Granting Space for Grieving & Healing
Avoid unearthing the sorid details. Instead, try investigating the why.
Infidelity brings about profound grief and loss, similar to a death in the relationship. The betrayed partner needs to fully feel and process the intense emotions that come - sadness, rage, shame, and more. Your hurt partner may bring up the affair repeatedly. It is your job to allow this as a part of the healing process; allow the questions even if the experience leaves you feeling discomfort. Attempting to bury those feelings may delay true healing.
Partner Who Was Cheated On - Steps to Begin Healing
Explore the Roots of the Betrayal
Affairs are seldom the simple result of lust or attraction alone. Preexisting issues and unmet needs in the relationship may have led to the betrayal. These root causes—be it lack of emotional intimacy, resentment, or poor communication—can be examined. You may ask things such as:
What was this affair really about?
What did the affair have to do with me? With you?
Why now?
2. Avoid Unearthing the Sorid Details
Rather, try to understand meaning and motives. Asking questions like, ‘How many people, what exactly did you do, how many times?’ etc, can result in much more harm and prolonged pain. Instead, try investigating the why with questions like:
What did this affair mean to you?
Did you hope I would find out?
What was it like carrying the burden of that mistrust?
Together, do you think we can learn something from this affair?
Here, it is recommended that you consider how much knowledge will help you heal and how much knowledge will continue to harm your recovery and the continuation of your relationship.
Rediscovering Emotional Intimacy and Negotiating a New Relationship Contract
As you have likely experienced, the betrayal of an affair can damage the emotional intimacy between partners. Reviving the open, vulnerable sharing that facilitates deep connection can be a tender, often painful process of relearning trust.
If you and your partner are committed to surviving the crisis of the affair, a new set of understandings, boundaries, and ways of relating will likely need to be intentionally reestablished. Perel stresses the need to "create a space of possibility" by consciously recommitting to the relationship—or lovingly ending it. Ending is also a new relationship contract.
Seeking Professional Help
An affair is made up of 3 things, according to Esther Perel: "a secretive relationship, an emotional connection to one degree or another, and a sexual alchemy.” The crisis of an affair is an opportunity to disrupt the status quo that likely wasn't working in the first place.
Not only does your relationship need to recover from the still tender wounds of infidelity, but the underlying dynamics within the relationship that likely led to the cause of the affair will need addressing. Very few affairs can be healed through willpower alone. A powerful tool for recovering from infidelity is seeking couples therapy. Counseling from an experienced relationship therapist can guide both partners with emotional intelligence, courage, and humility. With mutual commitment to repair, affairs can become opportunities to build a deeper and renewed intimacy.
Terry Real, the founder of Relational Life Therapy, suggests that rebuilding trust after the act of infidelity can take up to 3-5 years. Therapy may not need to accompany this entire healing process, but it may benefit both members of the relationship.
If you would like to begin counseling as a couple, you can schedule an appointment using the MRI scheduling tool. Or contact us to ask questions. We look forward to working with you.
Disclaimer
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