Self-validated intimacy can offer an alternative experience in a world often obsessed with external validation and romantic ideals.

Self-validated intimacy is about cultivating a relationship with oneself, independent of external factors like validation or reciprocation from a romantic partner. This approach to intimacy emphasizes one's ability to maintain a clear sense of self in the face of relationship conformity.

Understanding Self-Validated Intimacy

Self-validated intimacy is not about being emotionally detached or avoiding close relationships.

Rather, the very opposite is true. Building a strong foundation of self-love and self-worth can enable healthier, even more authentic connections with others. By recognizing your value, your values and your needs and honoring that without seeking external validation, you are released from the expectation that, in return, others, or specifically your romantic partner, will perform in a particular way.

This form of self-intimacy helps foster a romantic relationship with another that is not based on expected acceptance, empathy, or validation from the other because those experiences come primarily from yourself.

For example:

You can share a closely held fear with your partner. In response, they don’t share a closely held feeling in return (they don’t reciprocate), nor do they soothe your fear (they don’t deliver empathy), nor do they validate that fear (they don’t console you). Maybe they have a negative response to your fear.

In many circumstances, an adverse reaction from our partner to our intimate sharing can result in our own shutting down and isolation, reducing our intimate connection when our goal was to achieve the opposite.

In the above scenario, expecting our partner to reciprocate, validate, or empathize is called Other-validated intimacy. Other-validated intimacy is often mistaken for intimacy and can set us up for romantic failure.

What Does Self-Validated Intimacy Look Like

Self-validated intimacy can be experienced in numerous ways, including:

A strong sense of self
Articulate self-expression
Enhanced communication
Reduced fear of rejection
Greater authenticity
Deeper intimacy

The Unexpected Link Between Self-Validation and Deeper Intimacy

A counterintuitive aspect of self-validated intimacy is the opportunity to enhance romantic partnerships.

When we decrease pressure on our partners to provide approval or validation, you can create a more relaxed and authentic connection. The partner can respond in their truth rather than yours.

In turn, when you're not preoccupied with meeting your partner's expectations or fulfilling their need to feel validated, you can be more present in the relationship.

This can create an environment where both partners can be authentic without fear of judgment or rejection. It also reduces the likelihood of resentment or frustration due to unmet expectations.

Self-validated intimacy can lead to deeper intimacy by fostering mutual respect, trust, and honest communication. It's about creating a relationship where both partners feel seen, heard, and valued for who they are, without conditions or expectations.

Cultivating Self-Validated Intimacy

Developing self-validated intimacy is a journey that requires self-reflection, practice, and patience. Here are some steps to help you on your path:

Develop Self-awareness

Understand your values, needs, and boundaries. Take time for self-reflection to discover what truly matters to you.

Develop Self-compassion

Treat yourself with kindness and understanding. Practice self-forgiveness and avoid self-criticism.

Set Boundaries

Learn to establish and maintain healthy boundaries in your relationships, both with yourself and others.

Embrace Vulnerability

Practice being vulnerable without fear of rejection. Share your thoughts and feelings authentically.

Practice Mindfulness

Focus on the present moment and cultivate a deeper connection with yourself through mindfulness practices.

Self-Validated Intimacy in Relationships

While self-validated intimacy is primarily about the relationship with yourself, it can significantly impact your romantic partnerships.

By prioritizing your well-being, you can create a healthier dynamic within your relationship with the other. You're less likely to seek validation or approval from your partner and better equipped to communicate your needs and boundaries.

Self-validated intimacy doesn't mean isolating yourself or neglecting your partner's needs. It's about balancing your well-being, what you expect from your partner, and how you show up for them.

The Role of Therapy in Cultivating Self-Validated Intimacy

Therapy can be a valuable tool in developing self-validated intimacy. A therapist can provide guidance, support, and strategies to help you build a stronger sense of self, plus apply that growth to your relationship and connection with others.

At the Maine Relationship Institute (MRI), we offer therapy services that focus on helping individuals develop healthier relationships with themselves and others.

MRI founder, Ben Borkan, is a skilled therapist with expertise in helping clients cultivate self-validated intimacy. Through therapy, you can learn to challenge negative thought patterns, develop effective communication skills, and build resilience.

Disclaimer

The information provided in this content is for educational and informational purposes only and should not be considered as professional therapeutic advice. The thoughts and views expressed here are not intended to diagnose or treat any mental health conditions. If you are experiencing mental health issues, please seek guidance from a qualified mental health professional in your area. This content is not intended to be a substitute for professional therapy or counseling services. No professional relationship is created through your use of this website. Please consult with a licensed therapist or mental health provider for personalized treatment and guidance.

Self-Validated Intimacy: Building Connection from Within in Maine